Inside Looking Out

Entropy

Some of us choose celibacy

And some of us have celibacy thrust upon us

I burn incense as I type these words
Teary-eyed
A mixture of Black Love and Rain wafts through the air
And I pause to look at the white smoke coming from the burner
Tonight a man invited me to his home
He wanted me to let him touch me
My soft wet warm folds he wanted to explore with his fingers
I said no

He is a nice man
A lonely man
He is afraid needy funny
Awkward with women
And this is his charm
I am immune
I am numb to almost all sexual feeling
All except the little ones
The ones that sneak in under the wainscoting during the night
They are quickly dispatched by my vibrator
I like her because she is so terse business like
Straight forward and to the point
She gets the job done

I have noticed the difference
How chilled I am
I know this isn’t normal but I like it
Or maybe I have become comfortable
I would call it “just going through the motions” but
I don’t think that
This is exactly what it is
Waiting maybe
What am I waiting for
I would be lying if I said I still honestly believed that
Anyone will show up
Is this what losing hope feels like

The tears well up but they will not fall
Not for this
Just doesn’t seem right somehow
To waste tears on this
The incense have burned out
I will light another
Sandalwood

© 3/25/02 - Ms. GD